How Nonviolent Communication skills help at work
Video Transcript:
Hello, everyone!. I am Cleona Lira, founder of Conscious Money - gain inner freedom & clarity with money and life.
Today I want to share one of the most precious teachings in my life - Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and how it helps me at work. Hopefully, this video will inspire you to learn more and gain some tools that you can apply to increase connection & empathy with clients as well as increase your productivity whilst making life more wonderful overall.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication is a tool that guides practitioners in reframing how they express themselves, how to hear others and resolve conflicts by focusing on what they are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.
It is a tool that leads us toward compassionate connection between people in which everyone’s needs are valued and are met through cooperation. We are relational, social beings and so connection is immensely helpful and feels sooo good.
We spontaneously want to collaborate from a place of natural giving and receiving when there is a strong sense of connection.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg was the creator of NVC. People struggle to see themselves as violent and some people don’t like the term ‘nonviolent’ communication; I do. Marshall coined the phrase after being inspired by Mahatma Gandhi’s ahimsa: “ahimsa … is more than just the absence of violence; it is intense love.”
Nonviolent communication is about truth, courage and love; it is about having the courage to speak truth with care for the other. NVC is not about being “nice”, it is about being real and authentic.
We use blame, shame, judgement, attack, guilt, criticism, diagnosis, demands, labels and sometimes we also stay silent when we are deeply stirred.
These are all ways of being violent with ourselves and with others. This life-alienating language quickly makes us feel defensive and shut down. It doesn’t help connection and makes it harder for us to cooperate and have mutual needs met.
How I discovered NVC
I came across NVC around September 2009 via my boyfriend. It’s a funny story so i will share. We were arguing a lot, 2 years into our relationship - as you do. The people closest to you can also be the most annoying and inadvertently, help our personal growth.
So, rather arrogantly, I said to him in a moment of intense frustration: that we have to fix how we communicate. Since I am clearly not the one with the issue as I have a psychology degree, I have done numerous silent vipassana retreats and have read lots of self-help books, i want you to find a solution and a way out.
I had clearly diagnosed the issue, labelled & blamed him with the problem and probably didn’t deliver the message very tactfully either. Luckily my boyfriend was able to hear me, through my pain, despite the words I had used intending blame, and bought this book: NVC….a language of life by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.
I read the book and it did help a lot. But then life got in the way and I kind of forgot about it. Then, I lost my dad in December 2010 and i realised that people were really terrible at empathy. I was in immense pain and had to grieve more or less alone; my family don’t live near me and my dad was estranged from us.
The kind of comments I got were heartbreaking such as ‘I don’t understand why you care, you hardly knew him, etc’. Then, i realised that I too had been saying exactly these kind of things to people. Story telling, advice, fixing - anything to help them and me get away from the pain, discharging any discomfort quickly.
A few years later, we went through IVF and had some failed attempts including miscarriage; again, there was often a rush to fix, tell me about miracle stories and sympathise with people focusing on their own stories of pain while I was freshly grieving.
However, this time i was equipped and could communicate my needs better. I knew how to self-empathise and speak up for my needs. Most importantly, I knew how to grieve which helped me to accept my childlessness.
So, over time, I put in my 10,000 hours of mastery and life supported me with plenty of motivation to do this work. It does take time to embody this consciousness of nvc; it isn’t just a technique or a tool or a thing you do to others to get what you want.
I read tons of books, attended workshops and summer camps, international trainings and also led a London practice group for a couple of years. I will be making a follow-up video on my favourite books & trainers so do subscribe so you get notified for that.
NVC applications
I was quite excited at this whole new world of nvc applications from restorative justice, power and privilege to parenting while deeply respecting the autonomy of children.
We can step away from separation based thinking individually and collectively; the vision of a world where everyone’s needs matter fills many nvc practitioners with hope.
It does take a long time to transform your habitual thinking, neural pathways in your brain, teach your body how to sense this abstract yet very alive energy of needs. I am still learning and it is well worth it.
What I love about NVC is it’s focus on now, the present moment - not in stories of the past but ‘what’s alive now’ and on what you want to happen. It is a life-affirming language. Also, it’s concise. The whole 4 steps ideally is done in 40 words or less.
If you speak these steps in long paragraphs, you are probably in a story and might lose the attention of your listener.
I love the idea of taking responsibility for my stuff - my feelings, my needs and that other people don’t have to do anything for me to embody this consciousness.
Even when they speak judgements or blame, i can translate to feelings and needs. Even when they make demands, I can translate to requests and be in full choice about whether I want to do what is asked or not.
A quick overview
So, a quick overview of NVC would help. There are 4 steps: OFNR.
O observe the situation objectively. ...what you see, hear - neutral like a camera was recording the situation; ‘Sheela ignored me’ is an evaluation. Sheela didn’t ask for my opinion during the meeting today - is an observation.
F Feeling State how the observation is making you feel. ...feeling disappointed. At work, you can quite easily drop this step. In fact, I only share feelings with people who I feel really close with; however, it is helpful for you to connect with feelings silently at work.
Many of us don’t have a great feelings vocabulary and really say I feel to refer to our thoughts. Feelings go beyond mad, sad, glad, scared and CNVC.org has a great feelings and needs list.
Connect with a need.
Make a request. Would you be willing to respond to this email by Friday at 4 pm?
Needs and why they are important
Needs are like 90% of the focus.
Needs are whats motivating you - its abstract like wind...but you can feel it. They are universal, we all have the same needs & there are no conflicts at the level of needs between us humans. We may all agree on safety, which is a need - but we may disagree on masks being a strategy for safety for example.
Marshall referred to this need also as divine energy, which I love. Examples are needs; like for community to celebrate and grieve together or for play or for connection, meaning, contribution and so forth.
Having needs are part of being human - it is how we survive as babies; because even though we cry and poop, someone takes care of us. Sadly, many of us grow up believing it is a good idea to be ashamed of having needs.
Giving is receiving and I now believe that people enjoy meeting my needs and vice-a-versa, this happens naturally when we have been able to hear & connect with each other.
Eventually, as you develop your understanding, you connect with the living energy of needs, with this quality of experience as it lives inside you; connecting with the beauty of needs gives you a great sense of peace, freedom and clarity without even having your needs met externally.
When you ask for your needs to be met from this place, you come with a genuine sense of play, invitation - not from scarcity; it’s more fun for others to say yes & collaborate when you connect with this aliveness.
Requests are about let’s make this need happen, move this need towards action. Concrete,in the now - doable, specific. A request is a request not a demand because you are open to hearing no. The whole focus of NVC is finding a solution that works for everyone’s needs - so you tend to be really flexible on strategies and the willingness of the other.
People tend to cooperate when they sense that their needs matter to you so this is an important piece to integrate. We all have our autonomy triggers so we really don’t do well with hearing demands.
So, how does NVC help me with my work.
Firstly, Listening & empathy.
With empathy in NVC, the focus is on what is important to the other person - their feelings and needs. The energetic focus is on the other person; when you reflect, you make ‘you’ statements, not I statements.
Customers come to us because they have needs, they want to solve a problem that has in some way impacted their life. It might be a minor frustration. If we offer financial advice, it may be that they are worried about having enough to retire on. You can offer empathy in silence; words do not have to be spoken as the other person can sense if you are with them or not. It is helpful to offer words... if for example, the client has shared something vulnerable or deeply emotional.
A quick high-level recap in meetings is a concrete way to show you understand the client, also it helps connection and meets needs around clarity.
So, you might say: Let me recap what i heard just to make sure i got it. What i heard you say was….Did i miss anything? Or Is that fairly accurate?
Secondly with Money, work, play
Marshall explains that money is one way, one strategy to meet needs, there are many others...which gets me straight to a very expansive, abundant place when I am stuck in lack, scarcity, contraction…So, for example, if a participant in a workshop would rather barter a service with me than give me money, i can be open to it.
Also, money and pricing can be heard as a request. I can choose to hear demands as a request too. This means that I am in full choice about what I want to receive or what I want to give -when I see a price. I highly recommend watching Marshalls’ video called ‘NVC and Money’ which I will link in the description.
Around work, Marshall made a provocative statement: “Never do anything that isn’t play…”
Remembering this helps me be productive because i am usually not blaming or shaming myself into doing work. That’s just a terrible game to play. I want to be wholehearted about my work and work with clients that I like. I genuinely like all my clients. Also, if I really detest a certain aspect of my work, then i find strategies such as finding someone who enjoys editing my Youtube videos for example.
If a client does not wish to work with me, (which happens to us all, from time to time) I am able to hear the yes behind the no…their needs to which they are saying yes to.
I find i am more relaxed when i work, i allow things to happen naturally...not always anxious at work, trying to control outcomes...which i can’t control anyway. I am still driven and work hard but in a less fixated, more spacious kind of way.
One of my big needs at work is play so I ensure I make work feel fun; i make meetings fun for me and my clients as much as possible. Play is such a huge human need and we spend so much time at work, it may as well be fun.
Thirdly, Difficult conversations are easier
Whiny colleagues r translated to people with unmet needs. Also, I notice very quickly when I separate from people and start to make enemy images. I enjoy seeing the jackal show as Marshall called it - and then translate it to feelings and needs.
During conversations, you are also in choice about whether you want to listen to someone or not. I often interrupt conversations with the aim of increasing connection; it turns out that when the listener is bored, often the speaker is too - so it leads to a more alive conversation if both parties are attuned to connection and capacity for listening to the number of words spoken.
Also, if a client gets emotional - if for example: they are going through divorce or lost a parent, I have an increased capacity for ‘enjoying their pain’ as Marshall called it. Again, this was said provocatively and it may sound sadistic but allowing people to feel their feelings and process grief and sadness is so important; the world I want to live in is one where we know how to relate illness, death, grief as these events are part & parcel of our lives.
Fourthly, Facilitating workshops, meetings
We have all been in unproductive meetings that are such a waste of time. Marshall taught that often, when we speak in groups, we are not clear what we want back - are we just venting, do we need feedback from one person or via a show of hands? It helps to be clear on the response you want back when you do speak.
lso, NVC reminds me to be concise. There is a good acronym called Wait: why am I talking? This is so helpful. Also, helpful to ask what is my intention? What am I telling myself - if you catch yourself in a story or What am I thinking?if you hear evaluations,etc
When we feel understood, we are likely to cooperate more and have that team spirit feeling that boosts productivity. In workshops, I can help facilitate so the group maintains focus on purpose attending to individual participants if need be if they are triggered, with enough empathy; so they can return to the workshop.
Also, attending to power and privilege in the room and being mindful of who is speaking, in what order and doing what I can to ensure everyone’s needs matter.
Fifth- Clarity with emails
I find I make clearer requests on emails - For example: I write nnr in emails or via text... If there is a deadline or action needed, i mark it clearly in fluorescent ink and say something like: would you be willing to respond before 4 pm, this Friday.
Request language means we ask for what we want but not at the expense of other stakeholders. It is a genuine invitation.
I also recap with a line of written empathy if this is needed if the client feels frustrated or anxious for example.
Sixth - Providing feedback and offering gratitude.
Feedback, gratitude in nvc - Here, again with request energy, honouring the willingness of the other to hear your feedback, you share specific actions that helped meet needs - so, rather than say, you are amazing which offers no helpful information and is also a sort of a judgement - you might say, to a client that took the time to write a review: I’m thrilled to read your review; Thank you, it will help others to find me and get a sense of how I work; i so appreciate it.
And finally, 7th being a professional with sensitivity.
So often, we assume being professional is being armored up at the workplace, cut off from the neck down, aloof, distant, etc. NVC encourages me to see my own humanity and that of others. When we are kinder, gentler and more self-accepting with ourselves, we are likely to be the same relaxed way with others too. Especially as my role involves talking about money, this is so important as often feelings of guilt, shame come with having or not having money.
I do hope you enjoyed this video and it inspires you to learn more about nvc to help your sense of wellbeing with work, with anything. Don’t wait to argue with someone you love to learn it. That boyfriend and I are now happily married and have fun being around each other everyday; we still argue but we have ways to communicate even though only one of us read the book and is interested in NVC;so it really works.
Remember, lots of practice and it is always harder to empathise with those closest to you like friends and family, so be easy on yourself. Happy communicating!